i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
