You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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