I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
