im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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