onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
