Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
