Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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