I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
