Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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