I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
