so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
