Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
