So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize