Im at strip club and am horny
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
