I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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