I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize