the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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