I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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