Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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