im drinking this country out of the recession.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
