Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
