yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
