she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
