There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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