I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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