I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
