woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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