May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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