My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
