I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
