My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
