I just gift wrapped bread.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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