chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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