That's intense
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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