shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
