we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
