are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
