just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
