Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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