Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
