I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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