Fuck appropriateness.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
