If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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