You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
