she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
