Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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