By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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