you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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