and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
