his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
