I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
