where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize