At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
