ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
