dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
