Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize