we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
