coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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