I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
