My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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