3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
