totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
