This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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