This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
