is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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