Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
