they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
